English writing / Help ^___^

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Scimthary
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English writing / Help ^___^

Post by Scimthary » 16 Oct 2006 06:57 pm

So, I need some help with my RPG character application, this is what I have done so far: ( I know Ty is great with grammar and any help at all from anyone is very very much loved <3 )

Persona: Akuchi is what we can call a natural mourner ( or loner if you prefer ), he is one of those few persons who likes to be alone above anything else and that enjoys thinking things over and over again to make sure he has made the right choice, this also means he can hold grudges for many years. His lack of awareness about many subjects can be worrying for others, albeit his few peers can never tell if he's actually aware or not and that seems to amuse Akuchi quite a lot. Because, just like any other soul, he has a personality filled with good traits as well as bad traits, like his loyalness and politeness and the fact he's so easily amused even while being so anti-social.
Another important thing to know about Akuchi is his negative behaviour, he never seems to believe in himself and that truly makes things look much harder than they really are, eventually even making him loose some fights only because he previously thought he was doomed.

Physical Stature: Akuchi is very easily identifiable only by his main physical traits, the clashing bright green hair falling down his shoulders and contrasting metallic silver eyes would be enought to describe him since there are not many other souls with similar characteristiques, but he has also an unusually pale skin and is extremelly slim and tall, to the point of some calling him anorexic because of his sick look. Akuchi only heights 6'2 and weights 110 lbs at the time being. While it's not his "style", he has a small lithe flower tatooed across his right cheek with purple ink, where and when he got it is currently unknown.

Bio: Born way back in the first decades of the last century on the small village of Faro, near Portugal's oceanic coast, Akuchi never had an easy life. His childhood was troubled by the war that engulfed all of Portugal's south region, and while some ran away to escape dying from starvation, Akuchi and his family stayed and had to learn how to survive throughout such hard times. When he was 8, his father and 2 of his younger siblings died when their house was burnt down during the night, Akuchi escaped without a single scratch and since that day he started to believe something odd and strangely magical had happened to him. Although being different didn't help him at all during the war, he started feeling that way and Akuchi isolated himself completely from the community when the last skirmmish was finnaly over, at the age of 9. During 10 years he lived on an abandoned shaft near the sea, barely contacting with anyone besides his poor mother and sister that hadn't died and with Swallows as neighboors. There isn't known why or the exact date of his death, but at the time there was already a flower tatooed on is cheek and a Swallow nesting over his body.
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Post by oogabooga » 17 Oct 2006 12:20 am

It looks pretty good to me. You've got a couple run-on sentences (the first ones in both Persona and Physical Stature), but other than that I don't see much wrong.

One thing:
even making him loose some fights
It should be "lose", not "loose".

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Post by AngharadTy » 17 Oct 2006 12:41 am

Looks pretty good to me, too. I'll nitpick, but it's mostly really minor, I have to say.

For the run-on sentences ooga pointed out: replace the commas with periods. Or replace one with a semicolon and the other with a period. And for the first sentence of "Physical," get rid of the "but" and make that a new sentence, which should read, "He also has an unusually..."

I'd also change "While it's not his style" to "Even though it's not his style" just so it reads smoother.

"finnaly" should be "finally" but that's probably just a typo, I do it too. ;D

The very last sentence could be, "No one knows the cause or exact date of his death..." to read better.

Hee, thanks for thinking of me. <3

I should perhaps move this to Epilogue, which is all about writing.
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Post by Scimthary » 17 Oct 2006 07:47 pm

Thank you very much Rachel and Ty ^___^ Also, thanks for moving this ;)

Here is my semi-final application ( Laura helped me re-write most of it <3 ) but I still need to write the 1000 word intro.

I would also love to know if the character is someone who you find interesting and if it is belivable.

------------------------------------

Before I start this application, I'd just like to let you know that I'm not a native English speaker and will therefore err and misspell more than the average application writter. Also, I'm not perfect!

( All the real world locations and/or events ocurred in this application are purely fictional. )

Contact Info: lua.crucialus@gmail.com ( msn/ e-mail )

Character name: Kasumi Akuchi ( japanese formated name - last/first )

Age: The character appears to be around 20 years old, he died at the age of 23 and has now been in Soul Society for 59 years.

Persona: Akuchi is what you could call a natural mourner (or loner if you prefer), one of those few people who like to be alone above all else, and that enjoys thinking things over and over again to make sure the right choice has been made. This also means that he can hold grudges for many years. His lack of awareness about many subjects can be worrying for others - his few peers can never tell if he's actually paying attention or not which seems to amuse Akuchi no end. Because, just like any other soul, he has a personality filled with good traits as well as bad traits, like his loyalness and politeness and the fact he's so easily amused even while being so anti-social.
Another important thing to know about Akuchi is his more negative behaviour, he never seems to believe in himself and that makes things look harder than they truly are, eventually resulting in some lost fights simply because he assumed that he was doomed.


Physical Stature: Akuchi is very easily identifiable by his main physical traits alone - the clashing bright green hair falling down his shoulders and contrasting metallic silver eyes would be more than enough to describe him given there are few other souls with similar characteristics - but he also has unusually pale skin and is extremely tall and slim, to the point where some have whispered “anorexic” because of his sickly appearance. At present Akuchi stands a proud 6'2 and weighs 110 lbs. While it is certainly not his "style", he has a small lithe flower tattooed across his right cheek with purple ink, where and when this was done is currently unknown.

Division and Seat: Applying to 13th Division, unseated.

Zanpakutou ( weapon ): This particular Zanpakutou does not resemble a common sword or katana at all but a shamshir, this kind of weapon looks like a scimitar or a sabre with a radical curve from tip to tip, meaning the blade is curved to the inside and it's double edged. Akuchi got his Zanpakutou when he first came to Soul Society, the beautifull weapon with a gorgeously worked purple scabbard ( this is a english word used to describe sword or bigger blades sheathes ) attracted him as much as he attracted the weapon. Oddly, the flower tatooed on Akuchi's cheek also appears on the blade's small guard.


Bio: Born way back in the first decades of the last century in the small village of Faro, near Portugal's oceanic coast, Akuchi had never had an easy life. His childhood was troubled by the war that engulfed all of Portugal's south region, and while some ran away to escape dying from starvation, Akuchi and his family stayed and had to learn how to survive throughout such hard times. When he was 8, his father and two of his younger siblings died when their house was razed to the ground by fire during the night. Akuchi escaped without a single scratch and since that day he started to believe something odd and strangely magical had happened to him. Although being different didn't help him at all during the war, he started to feel out of place and Akuchi isolated himself completely from the community when the last skirmish was finally over, at the age of 9. During 10 years he lived in an abandoned shaft near the sea, having scarce contact with anyone besides his poor mother and sister, and the roosting swallows. The exact date or cause of his death remain unknown, but at that time there was already a flower tattooed on his cheek and a swallow nesting over his body.



Intro (uncomplete):The flutter of small, delicate wings was barely audible over the icy wind storming above the fields, now covered by a soft layer of hail. A single swallow furiously struggled against the tempest, head up proudly facing what could be its death. The bird's ebony eyes were focused on a far away spot over the horizon and it flew towards that invisible destination with an pure, sheer force of will, something it certainly didn't share with the other wild swallows. No, this one was different, the way its eyes glinted against the setting sun, spilling emotions and feelings like a human, definitely not a common swallow.

Overwhelming sorrow was one of these feelings accompanied by loneliness and the burning desire to see more, fly more, feel more and in the end, reach the paradise. That was why it could not give up, not before seing all that there was to see.
Last edited by Scimthary on 18 Oct 2006 05:27 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Post by ladynight6 » 17 Oct 2006 08:47 pm

It sounds pretty neat and believable. I dunno about the height and weight stuff, but it looks correct..
While reading the post just three things kinda jumped out at me and bothered me a bit. Maybe it's just me, but the following part doesnt make sense to me at all:
"and that truly makes things look much harder than they really"
The wording just seems strange...
Also in the intro I'd suggest changing the flap of small wings to sound or flutter?
And cheer force, maybe you mean sheer force? Unless it is a happy force...

But everything else looks pretty neat. Sorry if I overstepped my boundaries...I'm just a bit nuts about correct grammar and spelling...

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Scimthary
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Post by Scimthary » 18 Oct 2006 12:46 am

Thank you <3

- Maybe it's better: "and that truly makes things look harder than they really" without the much, no?

- Flutter sounds much nicer, thanks!

- I meant sheer it was just another misspell.
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Post by AngharadTy » 18 Oct 2006 01:56 am

It's the "truly" and the "really" in the same clause that sounds strange. You'd be better off with "and that makes things look harder than they truly" in this case. (Often, "really" sounds a bit too informal.)
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