Sexuality

[daisybell]

I'm really glad people are enjoying the discussion

I'm asexual. I can't tell you exactly what my romantic orientation is- men are included, but I don't know if women are excluded. I've had crushes on women, but none that would actually ever come near being a relationship, probably more of a schoolgirl-ish admiration/friendship/desire for approval sort of thing. I'm not sure how much romantic love would matter for me anyway in a long term relationship-it would be mostly companionship and emotional closeness which would matter to me, and I don't think gender would make any difference for that.

I think it's really interesting to hear people distinguish between the gender they're interested in sexually and other people they find attractive but not sexually- I guess this is just like the way asexual people talk about romantic orientation as being (obviously) separate from sexual orientation. But why should it be limited only to asexual people? I think if anything, it validates the idea of asexuality more if romantic orientation is recognised separately from sexual orientation, given that many asexual people do experience romantic attraction.

It's good to hear from some people identifying as pansexual, too- the world needs to move on from recognising only straight/gay/bi (though I guess in some places you're lucky if you get even this) and understand that sexuality comes in lots of different shapes and sizes.

When I wrote the poll, I expected people to answer with whatever they identified with most, even though it's not a perfect way of doing things. I guess I expected to find at least one person to say that they didn't know- which I think is a perfectly valid answer, though I suppose when I was younger I sort of assumed that everyone would know their sexuality at 18 (I have no idea how!) and that was it, for life. There is a sort of expectation that you do know, especially as an adult, but not knowing might be the most honest answer and that, I think, is what's most important: being honest with and true to yourself.

Yep, I assumed you hadn't because it would get rather complicated! We could always do a Kinsey-style poll later (if memory serves it's 0-6 with 0 being completely heterosexual, 6 being completely homosexual, i think?), and also a sex-drive-type one (0 being asexual and 6 being the opposite, er... Tiger Woods? I'm suffering brain fade tonight.) On that scale I'd guess I'm about 1 or 2 on orientation and 1 on drive.

This is a somewhat flawed way of doing things, though- I think you'd have to do 0= attraction to opposite gender and 6= attraction to same gender and include whatever form of attraction people want to measure. Though bearing in mind what I said earlier, you might have to do separate scales for sexual and romantic attraction and include another option (i, maybe) for people who don't experience sexual or romantic attraction to either gender. And you still run up against the issue of gender being described in a binary way.

I'm very offended that zoosexual isn't an option.

This never crossed my mind (but then, I'm asexual- lots of sex stuff doesn't cross my mind, heh). Mind you, there was no more space for extra poll options, since you're only allowed 10.

[Miguel]

Sorry I'm late to this party - I voted earlier in the week (heterosexual), but haven't had time to expand upon this yet, as I don't consider myself to be particularly traditionally-oriented within that.

I was somewhat surprised to find that the distinction I wanted to make was made mostly by you, Daisy (not that I'm surprised you made the point, more that with our different sexualities I was surprised that I shared the mindset so much) - and that's that I consider romantic and sexual attraction to be very different concepts, at least as far as my own relationships and attitude to them goes.

I would say I'm still heterosexual for both aspects, I'm solely a ladies' man (I can appreciate when a male form is attractive or in good physical shape, but only in a similar way to appreciating art, or a particularly well-engineered machine for a purpose). However, my mind doesn't couple romantic attraction and sexual attraction (or relationships of either aspect) with each other - one can certainly complement the other, I'm not really a believer in one-night-stand-affairs of complete strangers prior to an evening together in a bar.

Also, a point that hasn't been discussed much, but I think is a key part of sexuality, is what attracts people beyond the rather coarse boundaries of gender. Personally, I find brains and intelligence far, far more appealing than physical appearance (though the latter certainly helps ) - if I can't talk on a mature level about various topics to someone, I lose interest very quickly. This is very true for both sexual and romantic attraction for me (certainly the male stereotype doesn't put any such constraints on sexual attraction!) - although of course, intellectual compatibility for love does run even deeper still.

I think the Kinsey-style poll would be interesting, but there is the difficulty that different aspects of sexuality - drive, target of attraction(s), physical/mental attraction, history of individuals' sexualities make it less of a linear scale and more of a multi-trans-dimensional minefield!

[Officer 1BDI]

Another asexual here. I'm still questioning my romantic orientation, or at least figuring out if I even have one, but I seem to have an equal (dis)interest in men and women.

Though I'm pretty open about it online, I've only come out to a couple of my offline friends, and I'm still in the proverbial closet when it comes to family. I'm not sure they'd even believe me, let alone that such an orientation exists. They already laugh me off when I tell them that I don't want to get married or have kids, like "I don't know what I really want." :/

[daisybell]

I would say I'm still heterosexual for both aspects, I'm solely a ladies' man (I can appreciate when a male form is attractive or in good physical shape, but only in a similar way to appreciating art, or a particularly well-engineered machine for a purpose). However, my mind doesn't couple romantic attraction and sexual attraction (or relationships of either aspect) with each other - one can certainly complement the other, I'm not really a believer in one-night-stand-affairs of complete strangers prior to an evening together in a bar.

Also, a point that hasn't been discussed much, but I think is a key part of sexuality, is what attracts people beyond the rather coarse boundaries of gender. Personally, I find brains and intelligence far, far more appealing than physical appearance (though the latter certainly helps ) - if I can't talk on a mature level about various topics to someone, I lose interest very quickly. This is very true for both sexual and romantic attraction for me (certainly the male stereotype doesn't put any such constraints on sexual attraction!) - although of course, intellectual compatibility for love does run even deeper still.

I was wondering earlier today, actually, whether physical attraction was the same as sexual attraction. I don't experience either, so it makes it difficult for me to have any theory about that... but I would like to hear what other people think. When women swoon over firefighters (this is something I really find hard to comprehend- it's just a guy in a uniform to me) is it only physical attraction or do you want to jump into bed with him too?

I'm not sure if being attracted to a person's intellect is a separate form of attraction or if it's part of a wider attraction to someone's personality. I can't imagine having any romantic attraction to a person without there being something about their personality which attracted me. Equally, I don't really find people attractive until I know them- there's no such thing as love at first sight for me. I'm never going to get swept off my feet by a man I see in the queue at the supermarket.

I think the Kinsey-style poll would be interesting, but there is the difficulty that different aspects of sexuality - drive, target of attraction(s), physical/mental attraction, history of individuals' sexualities make it less of a linear scale and more of a multi-trans-dimensional minefield!

What I would like to know is if current research into sexuality bothers to do such a poll- because if not, why? Research which includes anything about asexuality has been pitifully thin on the ground. Has sexology moved on from "yay sex! It's normal and don't feel ashamed about it" to "but it's also fine if you don't want sex too, and while we're at it, let's recognise that sexuality comes in lots of different forms and three sizes don't fit all, even the people who choose to identify as straight/gay/bi"? Because the impression I get is that it has not. But maybe I'm wrong. It would be nice if I was.

[Huggles]

I would say physical attraction is not required for sexual or romantic attraction. I think sexual can lead to the romantic, and vice versa. Sexual can lead to physical, but I have a hard time imagining physical without sexual. Or maybe I don't? I can certainly find women physically attractive, without feeling anything else, but I'd say that would be darn near impossible with men. Even with men that I know that are completely and totally gay, which is frustrating and unfair. *pouts* I suppose it all depends if by physical attraction you only mean attraction to those who are in your range of possible mates rather than just attractive as in pretty? Like, I think my purse, and my friend's cat, and rainbows, and well-frosted cupcakes are pretty?

I believe in lust, not love, at first sight. Seeing someone who starts out as a 10 on your list, than garners or loses points after getting to know them.

[Nogitsune]

The Kinsey scale is actually pretty useful for determining sexuality; after all, there are many shades of sexuality.

[daisybell]

I believe in lust, not love, at first sight. Seeing someone who starts out as a 10 on your list, than garners or loses points after getting to know them.

I think "lust at first sight" is probably much more accurate than "love at first sight"- I used the latter because it's the usual phrase.

The Kinsey scale is actually pretty useful for determining sexuality; after all, there are many shades of sexuality.

Well, no. It isn't. That was the very point I was trying to make- the version which Wikipedia talks about is incredibly one dimensional. It was good when people didn't really think about attraction to both genders as a spectrum, but what I was saying is that we should have moved on from there. The Kinsey scale measures shades of bisexuality- that is, sexual attraction to both genders. It doesn't measure other kinds of attraction, and it lumps all asexuals (a very varied group) into one category called "X".

In fact, even the article says

Today, many sexologists see the Kinsey scale as simplistic. They suggest that sexual orientation and sexual identity are more complex and varied.

Unfortunately, the citation leads to a page which tries to make an effort to acknowledge many forms of sexuality, but goes right back to the old straight/gay/bi pigeonholes.

[Tiki]

Although I experimented in my younger years like any good teenager, I can definitely say at this point that I am fully heterosexual. Despite this, I can appreciate a woman's beauty far more easily than a man's- unless that male happens to be my boyfriend, I never give a second thought about his looks. I have very few celebrity crushes or moments where I think "wow, that dude's hot!" On the other hand, I can pass by multiple women and think "she has great boobs" or "beautiful face." I don't think this really translates into me being attracted to women so much as it's me wishing my body had those attributes. If I was single and didn't have my little ~Commitment Blinders~ on, I'm sure I'd notice all the guys around me much more.

My boy and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and so far there is still no engagement in sight. We both consider ourselves atheist and very pro-gay rights, so we aren't comfortable with the idea of marriage right now for those two reasons. It's not fair that we have that opportunity when so many don't, and right now in the US, marriage has become such a religious institute that it has tainted the idea for us. If we can eventually come up with a meaningful ceremony that celebrates the relationship we already have, without any mention of God or some such, then I think he would propose. I'm sure we'll at least do a civil ceremony in a few years for the hospital benefits.

What drives us crazy at the moment is how much our friends and family nag at us to "tie the knot." Nobody is taking our relationship seriously, despite the fact that we've lived together for 4 years, are starting a joint bank account for a future house, have already had the "how to raise future kids" discussion, and have been together longer than any of our friends who have already been married and divorced. But none of that matters because he is clearly scared of commitment since there isn't a ring on my finger.

Er... kinda went on a ranty tangent there. Heh.

[Huggles]

I believe in lust, not love, at first sight. Seeing someone who starts out as a 10 on your list, than garners or loses points after getting to know them.

I think "lust at first sight" is probably much more accurate than "love at first sight"- I used the latter because it's the usual phrase.

Well, I've met people who have said love and meant love. I don't know if I believe all of them, but I think that warrants distinction.

[zebru]

Totally late for the party, but I had to participate since I find sexuality endlessly fascinating.

I find men attractive, but I don't like to think of anything below the belt ;)

If you replace men with women there, that's exactly how I view my sexuality. One in 100 women will turn me on somewhat, but I'd probably run away shrieking if I was faced with their bellow the belt parts. I sure wouldn't mind anything above the belt though =P Following that train of thought, I often find trans-gender men attractive and fascinating (see, it's all very logical!)
If I was a guy, I'd be gay. I have definitely a girl mindset and had always had a very pronounced girly side to me, but if I woke up as a man tomorrow I'd cheerfully take it in my stride and live my life as a bottom gay man. I'd probably prefer it that way - power imbalance in m/f relationship makes me cringe more often than not (thank you slash!).

To make it short, I guess I'm straight with a dose of bi-curious? Something like that.

My taste in men is extremely particular and bizarre to the point where I could say I'm not into men, just a few individual people who happen to be men.

This too. I find very few men attractive. My libido is painfully picky.

[Kali_Lupine]

hmmm, this one is complicated for me. I'm defiantly gay, and happily married, I am also asexual. Sex scares the hell out of me, due to a rather traumatic event that happened in my early teens. So feel bad for poor Alicorn
I'm not really familiar with the terms so I am a little afraid of embarrassing myself, but this is a subject that I can't talk about with many people other than my wife, but I would like to be able to.
I am attracted to men and women, but only when think of myself as a man. I clearly remember as a very young child wanting to be a boy, and wanting to date girls. I came out in high school, at a school rather famous (now) for its shunning of gay students. I went to Prema, you might know it as the Canadian Catholic school that refused to allow a gay male student to take his boyfriend to prom. The guy in question was, like me, one of the first to come out in the school. I still have nightmares of high school, but I am one of those people who refuses to pretend she isn't gay in front of those who may be uncomfortable with it. My dad used to tell his coworkers that Alicorn was my best friend, and I would happily correct him that, at the time, she was my fiance.
To wind it up, I am a lesbian, but I would date men if I were also one.

[Elucifer]

I'm an asexual also. I'm terrified of ever showing my naked body to anyone I don't trust or in general, really. The thought of sex scares me tons, cause I'm afraid of being hurt. I do love yaoi oddly enough. But like Kali, if I were a guy, I'd date men too. Otherwise, I want to be a virgin all my life and never get too close to anyone. I haven't told anyone about my sexuality, but I do hint it in some situations. Whether my parents get it or not, I don't care, but they pretty much accept that. I mean, my mom accepts that I love yaoi, and doesn't mind supporting it. That was quite a shock. xD

But yeah. I've been rather uncertain about my sexuality all my life, but I've finally realized that I am what I am.

[Officer 1BDI]

I do love yaoi oddly enough.

Same, and I don't fully understand it. I can't get into the lemony stuff, though; I'm mostly into "adorable couples being adorable".

I'm afraid of getting hurt through sex, too, but for me that thought falls more in line with my difficulty to trust people in general so I don't tend to associate it with my sexual orientation. Even if that wasn't a factor, I don't think I'd be interested in sex (except maybe for the sake of experimentation... and then it'd become a "meh, been there, done that" deal).

Incidentally, I actually came out to my mum in October. She was actually very understanding and supportive (she spent most of the conversation happy!crying, actually, which was kind of awkward >_> ). But no one else in my family knows, and I don't plan on telling them in the near future.

[MalionX]

I do like the ladies more, thats true. But. There are those tendencies.
If it's a really girly looking guy. I'll bi-te.

But for the most part I'm kinda on the straight side.

[Garrett]

I'm a homosexual. Totally into girls. Though I find guys attractive. I have no problem drooling over a guy I find hot and saying so.

I'm exactly the same! I'm gayer than Christmas and proud of it. I have a tendency to check out girls and think they are babes. It's just what I do, but it confuses the hell out of people. But I am definitely gay, loves me the mens.

I've been out just over a year, and I recently just informed my parents that I am, so I guess life is pretty peachy at the moment.

Btw I love this topic! =]

I was not even aware of pan/polysexuality until I read this. I find it quite interesting, but I guess it's so blatently obvious now I think about it. I just never put a term to either of them. I have friends who go from girls to guys just on looks basis. I find polysexuality a little confusing. This is how I understand it (please correct me if I'm wrong): They are bisexual, however do not like to use the term bisexual as it classifies only two genders.