Coming Out

[Alicorn]

Well I better post this before Kali kills me.
I never dated, ever. And was never really asked out or really pushed (that I remember) to ask someone out. I just hung out with my friends and that was that. Through school I had a few crushes on guys, a couple teachers and a couple students. But nothing huge. I had bigger crushes on fictional characters then I did real people. I just thought of myself as straight because that's just normal. Though I did have a weird fascination with woman's chests. In high school my uncle was driving me home after I dog sat for him and he brought up why I haven't dated. I told him I wasn't really worried about it and no one seemed interested. Then he said him and my aunt had been talking and he wanted me to know that if it turned out I was into girls that it was okay with both of them. I blinked a few times and just said "well I"m not really sure myself what I prefer. But we'll see." It did get me thinking about it but I never worried to much. One of my best friends later, who was bi, asked me the same thing later on and I gave the same answer. Cause I never really had strong urges either way. Though durning my highschool life I was talking to Kali via internet and without my knowing was falling for her. It wasn't till a couple years after highschool that I realized I was a lesibian. That's when Kali popped the question via chat (we had met and spent a lot of time in real person during this time as well as net time). When she asked, I just knew. I had to say yes.
So after that I had to break it to my family I was gay and engaged to the girl that was my best friend. First I told my mom, who told me "I already knew you were gay." Then my brother who was just like whatever about it. Then my sister who freaked out, being all shocked and surprised because she's a drama queen. Then my dad who also said "I figured you were." I also told a few friends and they said the same thing. Makes me wish they let me know that I was sooner. :p My mom's side of the family knows and is good with it. Some of my dad's side of the family knows and those who know are good with it. They are roman catholic and I was worried but it turns out I have and aunt and cousin who are lesbians.
I was lucky that I never really ran into much problem in people finding out I was gay. A few shocked people some of the time but then they be cool with it. There was an older lady I worked with that was fine with it but told me once she was worried for my soul and where it might go. I just told her not to worry and left it at that. So yeah, I consider myself real lucky and am grateful.

Whew, that turned out longer then I meant too. Ah well, sorry for the rambling. ^-^;

[Marah]

Makes me wish they let me know that I was sooner. :p

Disclaimer: I am boringly straight.
Above made me smile. It is difficult some times if you have friends who are gay and in the closet and everybody allready sort of "knows". Do you say something? What if they aren't gay, or aren't ready to come out yet? But what if they are worrying too much about what people think while all their friends would be completely fine with it either way?

I've been a member of student sport club that had a higher than normal percentage of "out of the closet" gay (and bi) male (and some female) athletes. First one admitted he had a boyfriend and when most people simply went "yay you, hope you are happy", others found the courage to come out as well (or in some cases started to question their sexuality). I think it did help that they were all part of the core group, so to say. For quite awhile the other student clubs called us the "gay club". Much later we kept hearing about some of their members graduating, moving away and completely unexpectedly coming out. They never felt like they could do that when they were still active members of their student associations, you know, with the people that are supposed to be your "friends for life". Yeah, I much rather be a member of the "gay club". At least people felt comfortable enough to be themselves there.

[Kali_Lupine]

wow Marah that is a really good question. Wow I`m not even sure how I feel about that, though I suppose subconciously I`m all for (not pushing) but maybe gently prodding? Depending of course on the person and how close you are to them. Heh one of the short stories I recently wrote deals with the same issue.

@ Ali....I have told her sooooo many times about antagonizing about how to tell her that I was madly in love with her! I even had totally selfish fantasies about asking her to marry me (while I thought she was straight) and our relationship continuing to be platonic.....weird yes lol

[Fjorab_Teke]

Hah, i'm not the only childfree person here. I'm pretty vehement about it, though. I'm phobic in a way of children, especially babies. The whole pregnancy/childbirth/diapers/raising a young human just terrifies me, and other people's kids have a constant potential to set off my sensory rages. I definitely wouldn't have the nerves or patience to handle a crying infant, and staring/drooling/crying faces give me the heebies, as do pregnant bellies. With Mother's Day, noisy neighbor kids, and a bunch of friends having/expecting babies recently, i've been a bit grumpier about it. Thankfully, i got my uterus surgically yanked out two years ago - wish i'd been able to get it done when i was 19, hehe.

My "romantic" preferences range depending on the intimacy level. Visually, i'm bi/pansexual with a little leaning toward straight. The more intimate, the "straighter" i trend. I've had visual crushes on other women and androgynous people (women with short hair and small chests, men with long hair and lean muscles), but my longer-standing crushes have all been on guys. I have no interest in playing with girl parts.

Thankfully my husband is happy to be childfree with me and is tolerant of my ongoing tendency to get crushes and gawk-moments, since he knows i won't let it go beyond that.

I wasn't taught by my family that "different" is "bad." We were taught pretty much to treat others with respect. It wasn't until about high school that i learned that racism was still very real, and then homophobia and religious prejudice and all that mess.

[Kali_Lupine]

^_^ Fjorab I had planned to get that done when I was younger, until I realized that I wouldn't have to worry about it. I doubt everything works right down there anyway because of the way my meds have messed with my hormones. Although I am not opposed to pretty much never getting that "monthly visitor".

Both Ali and I tend to get crushes, of course they are really only on anime/manga characters, or for her tv/movie characters, and I book characters. Although I do tend to get harmless crushes on random people. I don't believe jealousy in a relationship works, and I usually find it funny if someone I know get's jealous of their partner's attentions towards another. I'm honestly not very good at understanding when someone does/feels something that I don't feel. I remember one jealous moment in my long history of relationships, and that was when I was about 16. I gave my first serious relationship permission to be with other women openly. It just didn't bother me.

[Officer 1BDI]

I already posted here, but I recently came out to someone else and the results have been less than thrilling, given the circumstances. Frankly I just need to vent.

I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now to deal with, well, a lot of things. I ended up telling her point-blank during my second or third session that I was asexual, because I felt like she was pushing me to confess to her that I have a crush on my (male) best friend and I just wanted to nip that conversation in the bud ASAP. She... didn't seem to have heard of it before, but she also seemed to accept it, and the topic of sexual orientation was dropped from thereon out.

Until yesterday, at least. At this point in my therapy we're breaking down a bunch of sexual trauma I went through in my past which, as I told her, has nothing to do with me being ace:

1BDI: -But I consider [events] to be irrelevant to my asexuality. They're completely separate issues.
Therapist: ["knowing" smile] You do?
1BDI: [lineface] Yes.
Therapist: Why?
1BDI: [SOTTO] Are you seriously asking me this?!

I gave her my "reasons" (which in itself just felt wrong to me; why does my asexuality need an explanation?) and we moved on, but I still feel like she doesn't really believe me. I think she thinks I'm in denial; that I'm broken somehow by my past trauma instead of merely just... me. I'm afraid it's going to color her opinions and/or diagnoses from here on out. :/ But I don't know if I should push the issue with her or just let it be.

[Silver Link]

I already posted here, but I recently came out to someone else and the results have been less than thrilling, given the circumstances. Frankly I just need to vent.

I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now to deal with, well, a lot of things. I ended up telling her point-blank during my second or third session that I was asexual, because I felt like she was pushing me to confess to her that I have a crush on my (male) best friend and I just wanted to nip that conversation in the bud ASAP. She... didn't seem to have heard of it before, but she also seemed to accept it, and the topic of sexual orientation was dropped from thereon out.

Until yesterday, at least. At this point in my therapy we're breaking down a bunch of sexual trauma I went through in my past which, as I told her, has nothing to do with me being ace:

1BDI: -But I consider [events] to be irrelevant to my asexuality. They're completely separate issues.
Therapist: ["knowing" smile] You do?
1BDI: [lineface] Yes.
Therapist: Why?
1BDI: [SOTTO] Are you seriously asking me this?!

I gave her my "reasons" (which in itself just felt wrong to me; why does my asexuality need an explanation?) and we moved on, but I still feel like she doesn't really believe me. I think she thinks I'm in denial; that I'm broken somehow by my past trauma instead of merely just... me. I'm afraid it's going to color her opinions and/or diagnoses from here on out. :/ But I don't know if I should push the issue with her or just let it be.

If you don't feel like she's doing her job correctly, you either immediately tell her or leave her for a more well-informed person. If she doesn't specialize in asexuality, maybe she's trying to understand your point of view better. Either that or maybe she does believe the two issues are connected. In any case, don't go back if you think she isn't helping you; I had to do that with a therapist after a month of seeing her and not feeling like I was making any progress


Anyway, I don't really have anything to contribute to this thread since I'm straight. My fiance and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary last night. Still stuffed from hibachi

[AngharadTy]

If you feel she's treating you condescendingly or treating your asexuality as if it's a problem, then you should look into a new therapist. I am with her, though, on the general idea; people are affected by everything they ever face, and we are shaped by the total of our experience. Sex and sexuality are often affected by our past, especially trauma. A lot of abuse survivors (not that I know the numbers) go into BDSM, and that becomes a defining characteristic for some. These things, however, are not problems and don't need "fixing." One big difficulty within the BDSM community is finding therapists who are kink-friendly. You might actually use that as a base for finding a new therapist--search google for "kink friendly therapist" or "kink aware therapist" to find one recommended by people who already faced some trouble finding someone who'd support them.

(I'm not saying "obviously you wouldn't be asexual if you hadn't faced trauma in the past"--sexuality is not as simple as that!)

[Officer 1BDI]

Thank you both for your input. As it turns out, I learned this morning that I'm switching insurance plans, which means I'll have to stop seeing her within a few weeks anyway, which I'm surprisingly relieved about. Maybe I was more apprehensive about seeing her than I'd originally assumed.

I am with her, though, on the general idea; people are affected by everything they ever face, and we are shaped by the total of our experience. Sex and sexuality are often affected by our past, especially trauma. A lot of abuse survivors (not that I know the numbers) go into BDSM, and that becomes a defining characteristic for some. These things, however, are not problems and don't need "fixing."

I agree with you, and in that respect I can see where she may have been coming from. I'm not going to deny that I've been affected by what I went through, because I definitely have been, and I've said as much to my therapist (ETA: Though I can see from the blurb I posted yesterday why she would have thought I was saying the complete opposite at that point; speaking coherently is another thing I'm working on ). I was thrown off-guard that day because I thought she and I had already come to the "I'm comfortable with my sexuality" conclusion together, but her tone and line of questioning the other day suggested otherwise. Thanks for the suggestion to look into a kink-friendly therapist; I'll definitely keep that in mind.

Congratulations to you and your fiance on your anniversary, Silver Link!

[shaelyn76]

I identify as straight, but love looking at beautiful women and had some minor experiences with girls in high school and college. With that said though, my one brother is gay and my other brother is...well...he claims he is gay, but most everyone isn't really buying what he's selling on that one.
Now, my gay brother (I will refer to him as BL for his privacy) is amazing. He is my best friend in the world and I love that man more than I can express. He has always been there for me through thick and thin and I know that he would do anything to make my life better. I had known for years that he was gay before he came out to me. His coming out to the family is a sad story that I am still ashamed ever happened(in regards to our mother). He had moved out of our house and had been living with his boyfriend at the time for about a year. They broke up, he had to move back home for a bit until he got back on his feet financially and my mom decided to be a nosey nellie and went through his room one day while he was at work. She found a letter from his ex begging him to come back and telling him how much he loved him. She and my dad confronted him when he got home from work. Mom was in tears telling him how he was going against gods plan and how he was not raised to be "that way"(we were raised Mormon). Dad kept pretty quiet through the whole thing while mom vented her fire and brimstone at BL. Then at the end of her tirade, dad just quietly said, "You are my son and always will be. I don't love you any less than I did yesterday before I knew. You will always have a home if you need it here...but you do realize you are going to have to tell your sister and she is going to be devastated." That just makes me snicker even to this day. The next night, my brother and I were talking about something unimportant and he turned to me and said, "Shae, you know I'm gay right?" and I was like, "Yeah. So what?" He then told me about what had happened between him and the parental units the night before and what dad had said. We both got a good laugh out of that.
Since his coming out, my parents have gotten somewhat better. He brings his partner to family events, holidays and such and my parents do their best in their awkward way to welcome them...but they still insist on referring to his partner as his "friend". dad is much better than mom and seems to have come to grips with BL being gay and being okay. He just wants his kids to be happy.

Anyway. I guess what I'm saying is that this breeder loves her some gay folk and wishes that a person's sexuality wasn't such a big deal for what seems like most of society.

[Kali_Lupine]

ha! My mom was (and most likely still is) convinced I am gay because of my past trauma...I tried to explain that it doesn't work that way to her. Oh well. My last therapist was very kink friendly, although she did have a problem with some of my more taboo fantasies ^__^ I haven't really "told" anyone that Ali and I are not sexually active despite being married...that's a whole other therapy session I suppose.

[Usul_Princess]

It took me a month to share my two cents on what I was going to say here.

I'm straight as well, but have passionate feelings about LGBT equality. Bringing up sexual orientation/gay rights was far too much of a hot button issue in debate class in high school. When I went to college, I got the opportunity to join gay-straight alliance, and it was nothing like how I imagined. I went alone more often than not. (Neither my gay nor straight friends were interested in joining). I was hesitant to disclose the fact that I was straight because the environment felt like a haven for members needing to escape ridicule. I felt like a voyeur listening to these stories of family members shunning or disowning their children entirely. These stories felt like they were told in confidence amongst others who could relate. I felt like it was a violation of privacy. I did make a few friends, but it didn't last after telling them I wasn't gay, but rather there to support.

Re: Asexuality. I actually identify with the lack of sexual drive or "urges". Granted, it's there, but I have very little desire to act upon it. I see the beauty and sexual attraction in both genders, but it never got to the point where I craved it. For about a year I questioned whether or not I was asexual because at 23 I couldn't blame it on being a prude anymore. In the end I just realized that I'm easily turned off by sex if my relationship has no chemistry or too little common ground. That, and I'm paranoid about being knocked up by someone I don't love.

Officer, I'm sorry you experienced that type of insensitivity with your therapist. I find it a bit bizarre that someone in her field would insist that you were unsure of yourself because of your past.