Coming Out

[Kali_Lupine]

I think it is amazing that there are so many gay/bi/transgender/whathaveyou here, I'm always interested in hearing stories about coming out etc. So I guess I'll share mine

I realized that I was attracted to girls at a very young age, but I didn't really understand much about the "choices". I was raised in a VERY religious Roman Catholic family, and attended catholic schools for both grade school and highschool. I came out as bi when I was 16, but didn't tell my family right away. There were a small group of us that were "out" at my school and I felt a connection with them, but let's just say highschool was hell and I still have nightmares about it. My parent's were not pleased when I told then, in fact it is only recently that my mom has stopped telling me that she wouldn't choose for me to be gay but that she accepts it. My dad and I moved on to checking out girls together in bars though and occasionally asks about my bedroom life lol.

I've had many relationships with men, even after coming out as gay rather than bi, I suppose in the back of my mind I have always attempted to fit in. I think because I continued to date men a lot of my extended family didn't believe I was really gay until Ali and I got engaged, even then I think some of them thought it would pass.

Anyway this topic came about when I was at my mindfulness class and told a friend that my grandmother didn't approve of me being gay. He said that she should realize that I didn't choose to be gay and that she should accept me as I am. I'm all for that and I appreciated his support, but I was quick to point out to him that if I could choose I wouldn't change. I am who I am.

On a side note, I have had two friends come out to me and it was an amazing experience. Especially since one of them didn't have the courage to tell a single other person, I felt very honored.

thanks for listening!

Edit: Heh I just realized that I didn't actually detail my coming out. Basically I said to my friend Kat "How do I know if I'm Bi?" and she said "Are you attracted to boobs?" When I said "Yes." she dcalred I was Bi and I was out at school from that moment on.

[Fjorab_Teke]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you have people you can talk with and that your parents are coming to accept you for who you are.

[Officer 1BDI]

Thanks for sharing your story, Kali. I love reading coming out stories, too (though I'm sorry you went through so much strife. :c ).

I've known something was up ever since high school, and I was baffled as to why I wasn't feeling any of those "unbearable urges" that were described to me in various sex ed classes. I saw many of my friends develop crushes, date, and go through heartwrenching (to them) breakups, and I could never properly emphasize with them; for the most part I thought they were overreacting to what I saw as mere bouts of puppy love. I wondered occasionally if I was a lesbian, but my interest in women (or lack thereof) was about equal to my interest in men.

It wasn't until I was 21 or so and I started doing research online that I finally found a label that fit me. And once I saw the term "asexuality" I embraced it rather quickly (mostly out of relief); though the truth is very few people outside the internet know my sexual orientation. For the most part it's simply because it's never cropped up in conversation, but on some level I'm scared of how people might react because it's such an obscure orientation right now and I don't want people to tell me I'm "wrong" or that I'm making it up for X, Y, or Z reasons.

I came out to my mom last fall via e-mail, because I was too much of a chicken to do it to her face. BUT, the advantage of that was that I was able to embed a bunch of useful links about asexuality and sexual vs romantic orientation so I think it was a more efficient form of communication in the long run. After she read the e-mail she came to my bedroom and started crying and hugging me. >_>'

Coming out to my close friends was a bit more challenging. I actually came out to my best friend twice: the first time he kind of brushed off the idea that I was ace and I dropped it, and when I brought it up again a couple of years later he was more accepting of it. I haven't revealed that I'm biromantic yet because I'm afraid of what his reaction might be... though I'm not really sure why.

When I came out to another close friend, she was very confused at first (she even asked me if that meant I was a furry, as if they're even remotely related O_o' ), and then she told me she felt sorry for me and ever since then she's been "subtlety" trying to get me to try dating. I also haven't told her I might be biromantic because I don't want her to use that to support her apparent theory that I'm not actually ace.

And then there was my family reunion last month, where an aunt kept pressing why I wasn't dating and I had to keep gently but firmly telling her that I have no interest in dating anyone. I didn't technically come out there, but given the public nature of our discussion I'm pretty sure half my extended family now realizes I'm not exactly straight.

[Jessi]

Aww I love listening to everyone's coming-out stories. Officer, I can imagine how amazing it was for you to find out you weren't alone in what you felt and to find something to embrace <3

I figured out I was gay in high school, though I told my closest friends I was 'bi'. I was dating a guy my Junior year in a pretty serious relationship and I was basically forcing myself to make it work because I was so terrified of anything else. When I first started college, I told the first few people I met that same 'bi' story (even though by now my relationship with Scott had LONG since ended), but a few weeks into my freshman year I realized that wasn't quite right, especially after I got involved in my first serious relationship with a woman. I confided mostly in my two best college friends as well as all my online friends and my LJ, since it's always been easier for me to talk via the internet than anything else.

I came out to my family strangely; first I emailed my sister, Heidi, who is a huge gay rights activist AND a psychiatrist because I figured if anyone understood, she would - and I was right! She got me set up with a lot of references and helped me figure out how to tell our parents. When my mom and dad came to pick me up at the end of my freshman year to get my dorm packed up and what not, they took me out to dinner and I told them then.

I remember my dad was VERY curious and asked me all sorts of questions about Katie (my at the time girlfriend), what it was like, did my friends know, etc. My mom was really quiet and I was -so- terrified I'd upset her - my mom and I are extremely close and I was basically panicking inside. So I finally cleared my throat and said "Mom, are you okay?"

And she laughs and says, "Oh honey, I've known this about you for -years-" XD

Since then it's been very easy for me to come out to people I meet, including coworkers and the like - everyone at work knows I'm gay and it's kind of a point of playful teasing (nothing offensive xD My boss'd kill anyone if they were actually offensive to me, but I dish it out as well as I take it ;D) - though I FIRST came out to my closest coworkers via facebook when I started working there 6ish years ago, haha xD Now, it's one of the first things I let people know about myself, because I figure if they can't accept that right off the bat then I don't really want to form any sort of relationship with them. Both Linds and I have a few less-accepting people in our families, though mine has gotten a LOT better and hers is still fucking crazy, but I'll let her tell her own side of the story xD

[FaerieInGrey]

I've never come out to my family (I'm bi).

I don't know what my father would think; he and I have not spoken for more than 30 seconds at a time since I was 12. But I know that he is fairly politically conservative. My mother is a full-out homophobe and has said that she would kill herself if either of her daughters were a lesbian. My sister is also intolerant, though I think she may actually already know because I have openly dated women, and I know that people brought it up to her.

Now that I'm married to a man, I don't know if I will ever tell them.

My friends, on the other hand, all know. I came out slowly to a few friends in high school and it went so much better than I thought it would. I did get a few people who reacted by saying shit like "you're not bi; you're just slutty" but not too many and it was easy to ignore. In college I tried to bring it up as soon as it was comfortable to bring up with people that I met so that there would not need to be a "coming out" moment.

[Kali_Lupine]

wow officer that is amazing that you had so much courage, and to everyone else as well

I wanted to add that my mom joined a "mothers of gay daughters" support group through her work almost right after I told her. And that she and my dad had the courage to stand up and walk out of church when the father asked for people to sign a petition against gay marriage. Now it has come to the point where my mother no longer attends church except when visiting my grandmother.

I never had the courage to introduce my parents to any of my girlfriends, which might have been a good thing since technically I was in an open relationship(s) and was seeing multiple women. Mom and dad never approved of anyone I dated until I told them I was engaged to Alicorn. They LOVE her and when we bicker my mom is always on Ali`s side lol, she gets mad at me if we have a little tiff.

I`ll let Alicorn tell her own story (i`ll prod her into it tonight) but I am happy to say it was a lot easier for her than for me. Her family is awesome!

Edit: I just wanted to say Faerie, that I`m sorry about you not being able to tell your family. I`m lucky with mine, but I think it`s partly because I`ve given them no choice lol. The funniest part I think is that Ali and I insist that Lute, our shi-tzu is gay and dress him up in frilly pink dresses and etc and call him a princess, which seemed to bother my mom at first but she has gotten used to it. My mother-in-law sends us dresses for him since it is easier/cheaper to find them in the USA. My father-in-law and Ali's step-mom have sent us doggie bowls that are pink and say Diva on them. lol.

[Cranberry]

I loved how one of my longtime friends came out to me. We were attending separate universities and talking via instant messenger. He was telling me a story, and about halfway through, he was like, "Okay, the rest of this story will only make sense if you know I'm gay," and I said, "Okay, cool, carry on."

[Runic]

I want to come out and tell my parents that I'm asexual, but I think they kind of already know, since I drop tons of hints. I don't think they mind. They've even said they don't want grandkids.

I'm very closed off about telling people, but I've told a couple I can trust. I'm in college now, so it doesn't really matter to anyone like it does in high school.

But when I was in high school, I was kinda confused. I had this one girl who was in love with me, but it never went any further. And a guy (who later became a jerk) did kiss me on the lips, but overall, it was gross. I didn't know that I was asexual at the time; just really confused with trying to find my orientation. And of course, I became a laughing stock cause this was all done in public, and I had tons of enemies who picked on me. High school was a very tough time.

But now I've pretty much figured myself out and have no desire to go on a date with anyone of either gender. And I'm definitely grossed out by kissing and the thought of sex....eww, just no. It's a scary thought. Hell, I can't stand seeing people kiss in movies or in public.

Though I do like yaoi. The only thing that I don't mind. And no one knows except my mom, who doesn't care, and my sister, who freaked out. But my friends do know I love yaoi. It helps me through my horny moments. |D

But yeah. That's my schpeel. .-.

[Kali_Lupine]

Runic, I can sorta understand...the act of sex itself scares me despite the fact that I am a very lustful person. It was forced on me in my past and mostly I just avoid it. Poor Ali

Edit: I'm a huge yaoi fangirl and proud to say I am the one that got Ali into it

[Jamie]

To set the setting, I grew up in a very small town about 800km away from any major city. My dad was one of 12 children, nine of which were boys. They all camped most weekends, drank a lot, went hunting and were generally very, very 'hetero'. My mothers family on the other hand were more christian conservative than anything else, mainly just my grandparents. So it was very difficult admitting to myself that I was gay, because I was really, really scared of how everyone in my family would react.

Throughout high school my closest friends had guessed that I was gay, one in particular obviously knew since I was hooking up with him. I dated girls, hooked up with girls and did most of the normal teenager stuff. Towards the end of high school (final year) my friends would often just ask me, 'when are you going to come out, Jamie?', I'd always just reply with 'once I leave town.' So they knew, there was about five or six that I was this honest with.

I moved out of home to Brisbane within two months of graduating high school and I promised myself that I wouldn't lie to anyone that I met down here. So I pretty much had two lives, 'open' and 'closeted' for about a month. I told my mother first over the phone. I had been really unstable and upset, dropped out of my degree and she knew that something was really wrong. I was crossing a road and talking to her on the phone when she just asked 'What's wrong Jamie?' and I just said: "Mum, I'm gay.' I remember exactly what she said, it was pretty much: 'You're not are you? How do you know?'. We chatted for a while and she said she'd tell my dad and that she loved me no matter what. I came out to the rest of my friends over the next couple of days, some were shocked, some knew. It was a very, very relieving time. To this day I have never, ever talked to my father about it and I've only ever really talked to mum about it a few times. But our relationship has not changed one bit, and I'm more than happy with that. I've heard from one of my cousins that he wasn't upset, or angry. Just surprised, and couldn't believe it. Every time I visit him he tells me he misses me and loves me whenever I leave to fly home.

I haven't 'come out' directly to anyone else in my family. I just relied on them hearing from other people, which is weak. But infinitely easier for me. My facebook states that I'm 'Interested in: Men' and most of them are my friend on there. I've had boyfriends and pictures of us together have been on there as well, so they all should know. I've had random relatives enquire about my love life and others just tell me that they're fine with it. It's been great. The only ones that I know don't know are my grandparent's on my mother's side. She asked me if I had a girlfriend over Easter, which was slightly awkward.

I think deep down my mum is still hoping that it's a phase, and I know it's unhealthy but I wish it was as well. I would change if I could. But I know better than that and I'm happy enough with who I am. As long as I have children one way or another and a nice partner I think I'll have a very happy life.

[Kali_Lupine]

Jamie, I'm sorry that you've gone through so much pain in regards to this. I admire your courage to be able to come out. Your dad's side of the family sounds like my dad's side. I live in the small village (yay we have 2 traffic lights now!) that my dad was born in, and I was worried about being an open gay couple in such a small town. But truthfully it wasn't a problem for me since many of them are related to me in some way, and pretty much the rest are close friends of the family. I am only aware of 2 other open gay couples in my village, and one is my cousin and her wife.

[Tom]

My coming out story... I'm not really sure what it even would be. I can't remember having any kind of feelings until I was turning 16, to either men or women. I definitely have never been interested in women but really cannot remember having any interest in men before then. Of course, it burdened me for a few months, but it wasn't long - around January 2007, until I came out to my friend on msn who'd I'd met on Neo a couple of years previously. He was gay and used to tease me about my orientation, haha, but it definitely helped to have someone who I knew was gay and could turn to.

Over the course of the next few months, I came out to more and more of my online friends before started to come out to my friends irl. I didn't really feel ready to be entirely 'out' publicly - at school, there was one other gay boy who I'd never talked to so kept pretty quiet until school finished, though it was rather awkward for me when my friends pressured me into asking a girl, one of my 'friendship circle', to prom ahahah. When I arrived at college, I'd told one of my best friends but asked her to keep it secret. She did not keep it secret. I was briefly annoyed with her, but got over it pretty soon. So yeah, most of my friends knew by this point, and when I started dating my first boyfriend, it was pretty much cemented.

Fast forward over three and a half years and here I am today. I am really comfortable with myself and now have no qualms telling people that I'm gay. For me, it's just part of who I am now - though of course I do not want to be defined by my sexuality, I am happy to embrace it and talk about it openly to people that I meet. It's strange - for me to now think of myself as anything but gay is truly bizarre and unfathomable to me; I just don't see how people could think I'm straight! But over the course of the past three weeks, I've had to enlighten three of my co-workers. Haha I guess my amazing gaydar can blur my perceptions but I still found it really strange.

As far as my family goes, my brother knows after an... awkward incident with my second boyfriend. But he was cool with it. My parents don't explicitly know but I'm sure they're aware. I feel like I should tell them explicitly and I'm sure they'd be totally fine with it, but I can never find the right words or the right time. And I know there isn't ever going to be the right words or right time and I feel like I owe it to them. But yeah.

[Kali_Lupine]

Tom I can't imagine how awkward it would have been to be pressured to take a member of the opposite sex to prom. My school was very against same sex dates at prom, and truthfully none of my "out" friends and I even considered it. So we went stag to prom as a group. It was lotsa fun. The funny part was that a guy who had the hots for me came onto me rather aggressively at the after party and had to be warned off. It was really funny years later when we met up and realized we were both gay.

[Silverevilchao]

OMG, I'm not the only asexual on this forum!! xD

Ever since I was a kid, I knew that I never wanted children.

The only "crush" I ever had was in fifth grade, on a boy who knew as much about Pokemon as I did. Any other crushes I had were on fictional characters, but even then, I always pictured myself as some kind of sidekick than a romantic interest.

The only time I had ever been asked out in high school was by someone who had been dared to.

In high school, I never understood why everyone else was interested in sex and having a boyfriend. It was never on my mind. Though I had never really expressed this to anyone, my friends somehow subconsciously knew - no one ever asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend, or engage in gossip when I was around. It never came up, I had no pressure from anyone to "find" someone. My mom said that I was a "late bloomer". She stopped saying that when I graduated high school and I was exactly the same as I was before.

I went to prom by myself, and had fun eating food and talking to friends.

One time, my Mom and I were driving in a parking garage to see Superman Returns for the twentieth time. We were talking about how hot Brandon Routh was, and what we'd do if we ever got into a relationship with him. I said that I would just hug him, while my mom wanted to do...other things.

I never understood any of this until I noticed a peculiar Scientific American article about asexuality in one of my iGoogle feeds. A particular quote jumped out at me:

So imagine being a teenager waiting for your sexual identity to express itself, waiting patiently for some intoxicating bolus of lasciviousness to render you as dumbly carnal as your peers, and it just doesn’t happen.

A lightbulb went off in my head. "I suddenly get it!" And I sent the article to my mom, who responded rather positively and sent me a link to AVEN. I was so happy! I finally knew why I was different! I wasn't the only person who was like this!

I've told my friends about it, but the only family members who know are my mother and my sisters. I have absolutely no idea how my dad would react (my parents are divorced), and I'm pretty sure my stepmom would just write it off as another medical condition that I'm supposedly making up (like with my asthma >:[). A few of my co-workers at work know about it, which surprised me - They were trying to set me up with another guy, but I said that I just wasn't interested in that kind of stuff, and one of my co-workers asked if I was asexual. xD

So basically, you know Sheldon from Big Bang Theory?

Leonard: "Sheldon, you're asking him to choose between sex and Halo."
Sheldon: "No, I'm asking him to choose between sex and Halo 3. Sex has not been upgraded to include hi-def graphics."
Leonard: "Right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact."
Sheldon: "My point."

^ That is SO ME! xDDD

[Kali_Lupine]

*also wants no children* Ali and are both agree on the no children aspect of our relationship. Which is great, because sad to say if she wanted them I wouldn't be giving in. I love children, as long as they are not mine, and I really, really, really want to go down to Arkansas to visit my nephew soon...but...nope no kids. Even if I wanted kids I'm sure as hell make sure they weren't mine biologically. I wouldn't want to take the risk that they would send up like me. My depression, anxiety, and psychosis I mean. But I'm digressing Either way I'm glad that Ali and are aren't the only ones who don't want kids. I've gotten rather sick of everyone telling me "you'll change your mind about that"