Dealing with hurtful comments?

Non-neopets general discussion.
Post Reply
Jazzy
Devil's Advocate
Posts: 2037
Joined: 04 Jan 2006 06:06 pm
Gender: Female
Location: a g-orbital
Contact:

Dealing with hurtful comments?

Post by Jazzy »

A fairly serious question from me...if someone you're fairly close to says something hurtful to you, how do you deal with that? Do you take it personally, or have you got some kind of way of blocking it out, perhaps? The reason I'm asking is I have a bit of a problem with taking things like that to heart too much, even if objectively I know the person's wrong or being unfair. I'm curious as to whether other people are the same way, or whether you've got any sort of strategies for dealing with that kind of thing, either at the time (telling them they're wrong, say) or when you think about it afterwards.
AngharadTy
Zombie Queen
Posts: 5251
Joined: 08 Jan 2006 05:20 am
Gender: Female
Human Avatar: 89833
Location: Tyland
Contact:

Re: Dealing with hurtful comments?

Post by AngharadTy »

My favorite strategy is ranting to someone. Sometimes ranting in my LJ is enough, but usually I corner Derek, and then someone online--ranting twice makes it better.

Also, if the person who says something hurtful is doing it on purpose, I usually get angry and yell at them. This is only sometimes productive. If the person doing it doesn't mean to be cruel, then I calmly explain why their words were inappropriately harsh. This is a strain on my diplomacy, but it usually results in at least an apology, if not always a better interaction in the future. It's very hard to get people to change.
Image Image
bonecrivain
Incorrigible Bookworm
Posts: 1324
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 09:41 pm
Gender: Female
Human Avatar: 157826
Location: wandering

Re: Dealing with hurtful comments?

Post by bonecrivain »

It depends, I think, on how close of a friend it is, how deeply you were hurt, how intentional it was, and how it will affect your friendship in the future. I'm a very sensitive person too, so I take things to heart far too much and internalize them, which tends to make situations like that worse and longer-lasting.

In recent years, I've gotten better at telling people when they hurt me and talking through it, although it's still extremely difficult for me, and I typically only do it with my closest friends. I think you have to decide when it's worth it, and whether talking about it is going to strengthen your friendship or make things unnecessarily uncomfortable. For me, it's usually only worth it with the people I care about the most. And in those cases, I'm kind of brutally honest. (My best friend calls it my "gritty Katrina honesty.") I firmly believe that anything can be worked out through conversation, as long as both parties are equally invested in the end result. Maybe that's idealistic? Of course, it's also important to not overdo it and to know when to let go. Time also has a way of healing most things.

Actually, this happened with my best friend just a few weeks ago. I found out that she and one of my other friends had said some negative/bitchy things about me behind my back, and it really hurt me. I didn't talk to my other friend about it; we're not as close, she doesn't always think about what she says or does, and I doubt she had any idea that it bothered me. For one thing, she's the person who told me about the conversation! So with her, I chose the "rant to someone else and then deal with it and try to not let it matter" route.

I immediately texted my best friend, though, just to ask if it was true, and we had a long conversation the next morning about it. The funny thing is that I was never angry with her--I knew from the beginning that it was just something we needed to work through. Even your best friends hurt and disappoint you sometimes, and it's unrealistic to expect otherwise. I think it is important to talk about it, though: if not with the person, then with someone else close to you, just because keeping it to yourself will make you dwell on it until it festers. At least, that's true if you're anything like me.
FaerieInGrey
Posts: 833
Joined: 10 Jan 2006 11:37 pm
Gender: Female
Location: Pembroke, MA

Re: Dealing with hurtful comments?

Post by FaerieInGrey »

I definitely take things to heart. And do the complete opposite of what Bon said -- if I know them well (unless it's Jay), I can't talk to them about it because I'm too worried about what it will do to our friendship. But if I have less invested in the relationship, I'll tell them at least that their words hurt me.
Jazzy
Devil's Advocate
Posts: 2037
Joined: 04 Jan 2006 06:06 pm
Gender: Female
Location: a g-orbital
Contact:

Re: Dealing with hurtful comments?

Post by Jazzy »

Yeah, I'm the same way - I find it a lot easier to tell people I'm not so close to exactly what I think. I think it's partly because if I tell someone they've hurt me and they just shrug it off, it makes it even worse, but if I'm not so close to them that doesn't quite matter as much.

Talking about it definitely helps, but I sometimes feel as though I'm just being a bit silly or it's my fault, and then I'm not so certain of myself and I keep things to myself.
Wingsrising
Posts: 2682
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 09:31 pm
Gender: Female
Human Avatar: 157670
Location: Iowa, USA, trying to stay warm

Re: Dealing with hurtful comments?

Post by Wingsrising »

Ironically, given the advice to rant in places like LJ, the most notable hurtful comment that's been made to me in the last few years was a friend who was ranting on his LJ about me. (The post was friends-locked -- I had just gotten my LJ and he had forgotten I was now on his friends list).

We never really talked about it aside from his looking sheepish and briefly apologizing later, but honestly, I never really felt the same about the friendship after that, knowing he would say such hateful things about me in a semi-public forum. But now it's several years later and we've both moved to a different state, so WAY too late to bring it up again. But honestly, it still hurts and I still deep down wonder if that's really what he thinks about me.

I don't know if I have much advice except that:

1) If it's really bothering you, talk about it instead of trying to bury it. You can't make yourself stop being bothered -- if it bothers you, it bothers you -- and trying to keep it all buried can just poison the friendship. Though, of course, YMMV.

2) If your friend routinely says things that are deliberately hurtful to you, they're not your friend. If your friend doesn't want to know when they're hurting you so they can try to be more sensitive in the future... then they're also not your friend. All IMHO, of course.

3) If you rant to relieve your frustration, be careful where and to whom you rant. Ranting may make you feel better, but if you say nasty things about a friend during a rant and it gets back to them, it will not improve the situation.
Image
Jazzy
Devil's Advocate
Posts: 2037
Joined: 04 Jan 2006 06:06 pm
Gender: Female
Location: a g-orbital
Contact:

Re: Dealing with hurtful comments?

Post by Jazzy »

Ouch, that must have been really painful - it completely changes how you feel about a person when something like that happens.

I should probably explain that I'm not just talking about friends, but also family members. A lot of the same things apply (I probably deal with both very similarly), but while it's easy to say things like "if they'd do __ they're not your friend", people's actions can't easily make them not family anymore ;) I've moved on from some so-called friends, but with family it isn't quite the same.
Kuroro
Posts: 93
Joined: 19 Jan 2006 03:51 pm

Re: Dealing with hurtful comments?

Post by Kuroro »

I'm sensitive too, and lately (last years), I'm having a lot of trouble with it. It's particulairy troubling me, because I seem to be dependant on how the 'moods' of some of my friends are. It can get me downright depressed to in tears (though never in public) when someone makes a remark/sling (intended or not).

On how to deal, I'm not sure. I'm trying to 'not care' or 'not think too much of it' tactic on some occasions, which.. well.. works variably. Or tell how I feel, but this I don't do a lot..

I understand what you are saying, Wingsrising, but I don't see the line that clearly sometimes. Meaning, I'm not sure if I'm overreacting (I've gotten the comment 'you're overreacting' many many times), or if the person in question was really being mean or just ignorant, etc..

I guess I'm not really adding to the topic, if only to say that 'you are not alone'. (In the best supportive way.)
Image
Set by WIS!
Helmcargh
Posts: 194
Joined: 12 Apr 2007 11:14 am
Gender: Female
Location: in Fomhika

Re: Dealing with hurtful comments?

Post by Helmcargh »

Personally, my biggest problem is over thinking situations/comments. Many, many times I have been in tears because I think person X doesn't like me because of how much they were talking to me or who they were turned towards in a conversation. The problem is that only people who I'm not very close to upset me in this way and I don't feel comfortable telling them that they've upset me because I think they don't care or will be happy about it.

Mostly really close friends/family don't upset me. I tend to assume that they care about me and anything negative they say is either coming out the wrong way or is a result of me misinterpreting them. So far that's been a pretty safe assumption, and because of that I always feel fine approaching friends about things they've said. I guess I'm lucky that I've never really really trusted anyone who was out to hurt me.

I would suggest that you do approach close friends if they've said something to offend you. If you find out you were wrong or there was a reason then you're in the clear but if you find that they don't care...well, wouldn't you want to know sooner then later? I think I would. But, again, I'm not talking from personal experience.
Image
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 23 guests